the fauXRient

It’s Sunday! You aren’t doing work and you’re hungover as hell. Enjoy this comprehensive list of the 8 most stimulating, rewarding activities to do on the day God literally deemed ‘the day of rest’.   1. Wikipedia Straight up, Wikipedia is the only reason why I know that there are 50 states in this country. … Continue reading →

good morning i pledge allegiance to abercrombie and fitch sorry, i mean god love i know you like me you shot me up with your lead pencil with bite marks XOXbubblegumgirlXOX heeeeeyyyyy wuts^ haha nm jc hmwk sux lawl who do u lykeeeee???? fun see the foursquare queen? heard that she wears training bras let’s … Continue reading →

While other college students are scrambling to apply for summer internships or abroad programs or to be a Brand Ambassador at Next Step Reality, I have made the executive decision that 2016 will go down as My Craigslist Summer. After long hours scouring craigslist.com for the most promising job opportunities, I have collected quite the … Continue reading →

so you win and you’re feeling a bit nauseous so you go to the bathroom and grab that pregnancy test and start to pee and you’re careful not to get your fingers wet because, you know, that’s disgusting and you’re a billionaire now so obviously you’re classy and your fingers should always stay dry and … Continue reading →

Early yesterday morning a middle-aged woman experienced what she calls, “The most important 47 seconds of my life”. Emitting a long moan when asked to relay the events to our team, the woman (who has asked to remain anonymous), smiled, crossed herself, and flickered her eyes. It is no surprise that she acted in such a … Continue reading →

As the Iowa Caucus has come and gone, the dust has settled, and Americans are becoming increasingly familiar with the candidates in the 2016 Presidential Race. Now, because the favorability of each and every candidate is SO high (maybe the highest we’ve seen in decades!), I took it upon myself to alleviate the processes of … Continue reading →

currently uber driver plays romantic music and hums softly to himself food #2: open the pantry then go peak inside the fridge  open the pantry    pedicure hey, I see that look when’s last time you wore shorts? yeah, didn’t think so    ugh i don’t need to see your miami snap story wait, what … Continue reading →

As I watched Kanye West’s inspiring American Idol audition, tears streamed down my face as he oozed humility and delivered one of the most beautiful variations of “Gold Digger” I had ever heard. His voice was like that of a cherub who had just received the gift of song as he delivered brilliantly crafted lines … Continue reading →

So, it’s 2016. You’ve like, totally made a comprehensive New Year’s Resolution list that you posted in three of your GroupMe’s, and now you’re ready to get shit done! After spending the last week binge drinking and eating (it doesn’t count because it’s the holidays…and it’s obv still the holidays until you get home from … Continue reading →

As 2016 rolls around, I thought it would be helpful to others for me to make some light NYE Resolution suggestions. Because I know each of these people personally, I can accurately gage the type of resolutions that will be beneficial to him/her in the upcoming year. You know what they say: new year, new … Continue reading →

This Monday, February 8th, the head of The College’s Information Technology Department (IT) sent a campus-wide email to inform the student body of a new network security tool. The email outlined the many benefits of the new system, including its ability to limit the number of cyber attacks on the network, to secure any/all confidential … Continue reading →

food brown bag express meals corner cubicle, my home you got adderall? voicemail sleep: new fone who dis? nostrils flare at smell of farts caffeine enemas google *jobs without degree?* ***drink wine to help write essay?*** **how to spell eigth?** (eighth) hygeine forgot to shower yesterday and day before clouds of dry shampoo  goodbye beet salad … Continue reading →

This piece represents the opinion of the author: My_Opinion_Matters Before you judge me, or shoot me one of those grimacing looks through your computer screen, let me first say this: I grew up on a cul-de-sac, I can run at a reasonably fast pace, and I’ve been to both Amsterdam and Copenhagen. I attended an outdoorsy … Continue reading →

On December 5, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West announced the birth of their new baby boy, Saint West. Kim’s highly publicized pregnancy captured the attention of millions, mostly due to the fact that she suffered from a multitude of complications. But despite a few **bumps** in the road, Saint West made it out just fine, … Continue reading →

As the holidays roll around, we’re all foraging the web for the perfect gifts to buy for ourselves, ask for ourselves, and (only on occasion) give to others. I have compiled this list of practical, fashionable, and necessary items for everyone’s winter wishlist. 1.  Canada Goose HyBridge Lite Skirt ($275) Canada Goose does not cease to … Continue reading →

1. The professor: There’s that awkward ten seconds that pass when you spot her walking in the door, and in order to avoid any/all interactions outside the classroom, you proceed to hold your plank for an extra twenty seconds, strictly positioned with your head bowed. But there is no escaping this terror, and as soon as … Continue reading →

Thursday, December 3 -An intoxicated student vomited at Yankee Lanes, causing two students to slip and seriously injure themselves. All three students were transported to Mid Coast Hospital. -An electric massager that was reported missing from Maine Hall was recovered and returned to the owner. She was extremely pleased upon its deliverance. -A water bottle was left … Continue reading →

Astrology is stupid because a birthday doesn’t actually tell you anything about a person. Prophecies should be based on something more revealing, like, idk, someone’s outward appearance?? Looks are all that matters people!! If you’re wearing stained sweatpants rn:  So you woke up this morning and make the conscious to not wear real clothes. How does … Continue reading →

It was a quiet, chilly afternoon in Brunswick, ME when a riot broke out in Bowdoin College’s student union. A group of upset students formed an alliance after Tuesday’s catastrophic incident, a blow that left almost one-eighth the student body in a state of shock.  Yes, the rumors and stories are true. I regret to … Continue reading →

To the red-themed website whom it may concern, Hello, it’s me. If you haven’t noticed by now, I have made the decision that it would be best for us to stop seeing each other for a while, and I feel as though I owe you an explanation. It’s going to be hard, I know, but … Continue reading →

Have you ever been so high that you thought you found the secret to curing cancer, or ending racism, or like, how to make a Google for your brain? Yeah. It’s a wonderful thing when you have an excuse to think/say the thoughts that have been hiding in the crevices and crooks of your mind. … Continue reading →

As Round 14 of registration for the Spring of 2016 came to a close, I could hear the faint whispers of the few classes who were left neglected, untouched, and left to die. We all saw them, and we all ignored them; their remaining spots read 48, their capacity 50, and their appeal, 0.  It’s … Continue reading →