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10 New Year’s Resolutions I Think You Should Make

As 2016 rolls around, I thought it would be helpful to others for me to make some light NYE Resolution suggestions. Because I know each of these people personally, I can accurately gage the type of resolutions that will be beneficial to him/her in the upcoming year. You know what they say: new year, new … Continue reading

BREAKING: College Bans Porn, Panic Ensues

This Monday, February 8th, the head of The College’s Information Technology Department (IT) sent a campus-wide email to inform the student body of a new network security tool. The email outlined the many benefits of the new system, including its ability to limit the number of cyber attacks on the network, to secure any/all confidential … Continue reading

Five Haikus Because Finals Rock!!!

food brown bag express meals corner cubicle, my home you got adderall? voicemail sleep: new fone who dis? nostrils flare at smell of farts caffeine enemas google *jobs without degree?* ***drink wine to help write essay?*** **how to spell eigth?** (eighth) hygeine forgot to shower yesterday and day before clouds of dry shampoo  goodbye beet salad … Continue reading

Feeling Inferior: Bicyclists Promote Marginalization on College Campuses

This piece represents the opinion of the author: My_Opinion_Matters Before you judge me, or shoot me one of those grimacing looks through your computer screen, let me first say this: I grew up on a cul-de-sac, I can run at a reasonably fast pace, and I’ve been to both Amsterdam and Copenhagen. I attended an outdoorsy … Continue reading

Saint West’s FIRST EVER Interview!!

On December 5, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West announced the birth of their new baby boy, Saint West. Kim’s highly publicized pregnancy captured the attention of millions, mostly due to the fact that she suffered from a multitude of complications. But despite a few **bumps** in the road, Saint West made it out just fine, … Continue reading

5 Items You NEED This Winter

As the holidays roll around, we’re all foraging the web for the perfect gifts to buy for ourselves, ask for ourselves, and (only on occasion) give to others. I have compiled this list of practical, fashionable, and necessary items for everyone’s winter wishlist. 1.  Canada Goose HyBridge Lite Skirt ($275) Canada Goose does not cease to … Continue reading

5 People You Might Run Into At The Gym

1. The professor: There’s that awkward ten seconds that pass when you spot her walking in the door, and in order to avoid any/all interactions outside the classroom, you proceed to hold your plank for an extra twenty seconds, strictly positioned with your head bowed. But there is no escaping this terror, and as soon as … Continue reading

SECURITY REPORT: 12/3 to 12/6

Thursday, December 3 -An intoxicated student vomited at Yankee Lanes, causing two students to slip and seriously injure themselves. All three students were transported to Mid Coast Hospital. -An electric massager that was reported missing from Maine Hall was recovered and returned to the owner. She was extremely pleased upon its deliverance. -A water bottle was left … Continue reading

Your FauXRoscopes for the Weekend

Astrology is stupid because a birthday doesn’t actually tell you anything about a person. Prophecies should be based on something more revealing, like, idk, someone’s outward appearance?? Looks are all that matters people!! If you’re wearing stained sweatpants rn:  So you woke up this morning and make the conscious to not wear real clothes. How does … Continue reading

BREAKING: Upset Students Cause Riot at Bowdoin College

It was a quiet, chilly afternoon in Brunswick, ME when a riot broke out in Bowdoin College’s student union. A group of upset students formed an alliance after Tuesday’s catastrophic incident, a blow that left almost one-eighth the student body in a state of shock.  Yes, the rumors and stories are true. I regret to … Continue reading