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College Stuff

BREAKING: Upset Students Cause Riot at Bowdoin College

It was a quiet, chilly afternoon in Brunswick, ME when a riot broke out in Bowdoin College’s student union. A group of upset students formed an alliance after Tuesday’s catastrophic incident, a blow that left almost one-eighth the student body in a state of shock. 

Yes, the rumors and stories are true. I regret to inform you that all tickets to the men’s Bowdoin v. Colby hockey game taking place this Saturday at 7 p.m. EST in The Watson Arena, have been—much to all our surprise—stolen. 

Apparently, the perpetrator was able to access entry to Smith Union in the early hours of the morning, and proceeded to reach behind the desk which had been harboring the tickets, escaping without difficulty.

But this theft is not what the Polar Bears are rioting about. The students have banded together against the college itself, which silently refuses to replace any of the stolen tickets.

Unaware of the theft that had occurred earlier, hundreds of student lined up the next morning, hours in advance to acquire their tickets, only to be left standing high and dry without access to Saturday’s game.

President Clayton Rose had no comment on the matter. 

As a result of such a calamity, the AOSAUTDAAT (Alliance of Students Against Unfair Ticket Distribution and Also Theft), trooped together in Smith Union to do what they refer to as “Creative Rioting”. In this practice, rioters work to concurrently protest something negative, while also creating something positive for the community.

In keeping with this practice, the students at Bowdoin College simultaneously wrote pen-pal letters to orphans in Russia while they engaged in a silent sit-in at the center of the Union. The silence, I have been told, was meant to reflect the forecasted sound at Saturday’s hockey game due to the decreased number of attendees.

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As for the robbery, only one student has been confirmed as a witness, and he has agreed to answer a few questions regarding the case. 

1. Do you remember what the thief looks like?

Well, I couldn’t really see his face, but I think he may have been wearing a pink snout as a disguise, and maybe he had on aviator sunglasses on, but maybe not…and I feel like he walked in carrying a box of Frosty’s Donuts…but I’m really not sure.

2. So was it a case of just being in the right place at the right time?

Actually, I had been camping out in front of the Smith Union desk all night to make sure I got my ticket, so I was the only person around when he came in at like 4:30 a.m.

3. How long did it take you to realize that the tickets were being stolen?

Well…I was awoken by a strange chorus of ‘oinks,’ and then saw a large figure carrying the box of tickets out of the Union…

4. Ok, well, I’m sure you’re dealing with a lot right now, but do you have anything else to add?

After hearing my last question, the student’s eyes welled up with tears, and he could only utter two words, “Still shocked”

About smunionrat

i am everywhere and nowhere, a silent creature roaming amongst monsters

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