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Your FauXRoscopes for the Weekend

Astrology is stupid because a birthday doesn’t actually tell you anything about a person. Prophecies should be based on something more revealing, like, idk, someone’s outward appearance?? Looks are all that matters people!!

If you’re wearing stained sweatpants rn: 

So you woke up this morning and make the conscious to not wear real clothes. How does that make you feel? Because you look like a fucking slob. This weekend, you will do what you always do on weekends…drink beers!!!! You’ll sit on your couch and put your hands down your pants and you’ll complain to your roommate about how much work you have and about how much your finals week is going to suck. Then you’ll go to dinner and talk about how nothing fun is going on this weekend but then you’ll get blackout both nights and maybe you’ll punch a wall or something. You will probably have sex, but you probably won’t enjoy it.

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 If you’re wearing a plaid skirt rn:

Omg, did you see that new post on @puppiesforall ?! It was literally the cutest effing thing I’ve ever seen. Just like your skirt! So vintage, so adorable. I can just tell you’re going to have a fab weekend of volunteering at the animal shelter and getting ahead on your work and baking cookies for the elderly and striking up a conversation with that homeless guy outside of 7/11 and offering him a ride to the soup kitchen and then driving home to retouch your nail polish and watch reruns of Sex and the City (“I’m just such a Charlotte!!”) while you sip on a glass of Moscato because hard alcohol makes you sick 🙂 🙂 🙂

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If you’re wearing a beanie and non-prescription glasses rn:

God, you’re just so fucking chill. You’ll wake up on Saturday, surprised that you’re not hungover because you were soooooooo drunk last night (you had, like, 4 beers…). You’ll longboard to the nearest **cozy** cafe, sip on a cup black coffee because artificial sweeteners and milk will give you cancer (duh), and hope that someone will approach you and compliment you on your outfit (it’s from Salvation Army, recycled clothes will end climate change). Then, you’ll read an article about how students are being expelled for dressing up for a “Nerds and Turds” party and you’ll snicker because cultural appropriation is a real epidemic. By the time Sunday rolls around, you’ll have written 3 new posts on your blog, masonjarsandelectriccars.wordpress.com, and wonder why it hasn’t gone viral. End the weekend by sipping on a PBR because you deserve it!

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If you’re not wearing underwear rn:

You’re doing something right. Keep up the good work and enjoy your fucking weekend.

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About hummus_lovr

i enjoy a nice tub of hummus with my lunch thefauxrient.com

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