1. The professor:
There’s that awkward ten seconds that pass when you spot her walking in the door, and in order to avoid any/all interactions outside the classroom, you proceed to hold your plank for an extra twenty seconds, strictly positioned with your head bowed. But there is no escaping this terror, and as soon as you see her grey New Balance sneakers, you are greeted with a soft “Bonjour”. I’m sorry…are we in French class? And you’re so taken aback by this confusing and foreign word that you immediately flop face first onto the mat. Although this may be a brutal hit to your confidence, the fall will give you a nice view of her walking at a 4.5 pace on the treadmill, obviously rocking the classic ‘cropped leggings and wool sweater’ gym look. Old people thrill me.
2. The gym-farter:
There’s one in every gym rotation. He thinks he’s being sneaky, but one does not simply sneaky gym fart. A word of advice about this one: carry your own can of Lysol to casually spray at the line of fire while he runs. Extra points if you BYONP (bring your own nose-plugs).
3. The Outing Club member:
While some say that an Outing Club member may be hard to spot, I’ll give you a tip….he’s the one on the elliptical wearing a frame pack and hiking boots.
4. The pretzel:
She believes she belongs in a yoga class in the Bay Area, however those classes are reserved for the slim, graceful, types who are able to elegantly extend their limbs. This living pretzel simply lacks the ass that would prevent others from twisting themselves into uncomfortable shapes.
5. And last but not least…the elephant
A rare sighting, but you can hear it from miles. Keep an eye out for the one on the treadmill who is jogging at a nice 6.5 pace, but sounds as if she is a stampede of elephants running through the jungle. There are limbs flying everywhere. Beware, you might get slapped in the face from two treadmills over.