On December 5, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West announced the birth of their new baby boy, Saint West. Kim’s highly publicized pregnancy captured the attention of millions, mostly due to the fact that she suffered from a multitude of complications. But despite a few **bumps** in the road, Saint West made it out just fine, and we at The FauXRient have had the unique opportunity to sit down with the little guy for his FIRST EVER INTERVIEW. Enjoy.
Saint West enters, already walking, and takes a seat across from me at the table. He is unaccompanied, and smells of cologne. He has a full head of hair.
Pleasure to meet you, Saint. Now, my sources tell me that you haven’t spoken your first words yet…can you confirm this statement?
I can neither confirm nor deny, though I does believe that ‘first words’ are a bit trivial [chuckles]. But if we’re getting real here, I believe that it’s all about the way you carry yourself, the way you can make a person want to know everything about you with just a look. A child’s ‘first words’ are just another thing to go in a baby book. No one ever remembers that sort of minutiae.
Wow, that’s incredibly prolific of you, Saint. But how about this one: what was your first memory? Your mother’s loving face, your father’s gorgeous frown? Tell me about that.
Although my memory formation neurotransmitters haven’t fully developed yet, I can still relay to you that at the time of my birth, I saw a large reflective screen with what I assume was my face on it. My father’s hand was holding this device, and our heads were extremely close to one another before he captured the moment. The moment, I’m sure, was quite magical. I was shown the photograph and it is an image of my head fully free from Kimberly’s vagina, with my father’s face right next to mine. In other words, my first memory was also my first selfie.
Hahaha! Do you have any thoughts on the so-called “Selfie Epidemic”? And as a follow up question, are you aware of your family’s social history?
As a product of this ‘me’ obsessed generation, I find it a bit difficult to comment on this. I think that perhaps it is our incessant need to prove our existence, to see our face and actually see that we exist. It’s a very strange thing that I hope to someday work through. As for my family, come on Smunion Rat, I know everything. The sex-tape, my hot grandma Caitlin, the plastic surgeries, the booze, the drugs, the Ponzi scheme, the other sex-tape…c’mon.
Any family secrets you wish to reveal?
Well if you must know, I’m the only one in the family whose hair is real. Everyone else is bald.
Do you think you’ll be able to live up to the loftiness of your name?
Do you think people asked St. Patrick that? Didn’t think so.
Have you met North?
North? What kind of name is that? Is that some region that I am thought to have conquered? [scratches chin] Ooohhh North. Yes yes, I’ve heard that name spoken before. You must be referring to that creature I saw munching on the couch yesterday. Imbecile. Poor animal can only move about on all fours. Ha! Haha!
And lastly, who are you wearing?
Other than the remnants of my mother, I am wearing a ‘Kanye West Hip-Hop T-Shirt’, Tom Ford Sunglasses, and an All Saints sequined skirt (because, well, you get the point). Is that all?
Yes, that’s it. Thank you very much, Saint.
Yeah, you’re welcome.