//
you're reading...
College Stuff, Uncategorized

BREAKING: College Bans Porn, Panic Ensues

This Monday, February 8th, the head of The College’s Information Technology Department (IT) sent a campus-wide email to inform the student body of a new network security tool. The email outlined the many benefits of the new system, including its ability to limit the number of cyber attacks on the network, to secure any/all confidential information, and to notify the IT Department if any computer attempts to access a pornography website.

In other words, The College has implemented a system that has blocked its students from watching porn. And if the system does detect that a computer has accessed a **banned** website, the student will receive immediate disciplinary action.

no_porn_4801_RE_Is_it_allowed-s480x480-71159.jpg

As a result of the new regulations, the gates of Hell have opened under The College. Verified reports show that the majority of the student body has disappeared. 

While close to half of the student population—and 1/3 of on-campus faculty—have vanished completely, the others remain enrolled in The College. I am here to report on some of those students, those who claim to have been stripped of a “basic human right.”


Screen Shot 2016-02-10 at 10.13.59 PM.png

The student can barely walk. His eyes, bloodshot. His hair, dripping with grease. His hand, glistening with Vaseline.

So..uh…how are things?

It’s been 47 hours. Do…do you know?

Do I know what…

When the voices will stop.

Sorry, but I don’t really know what you’re talking about…

It’s never been like this before. They say it’s darkest just before the dawn, but I can’t imagine that the sun will rise again. Nothing is real. Is that toast in your hand?

No, sorry, it’s uh…it’s a clipboard. Can you tell me about how students are coping with this change?

You probably know about The Descent. Half of my peers, just gone. We understand, but, they could’ve taken us with them. It wasn’t a choice you know? I would’ve gone. Nothing makes sense. What time is it?

Wow, I didn’t know that it wasn’t a choice. So half of the students just disappeared? Into Hell? It’s 2 p.m.

Don’t say it like that. I know for a fact that Satan has a subscription to Brazzers. Kids are getting desperate. It gets worse as the hours pass, but the night…it’s always worst at night. I can hear the screams from across the Quad. The wailing keeps me up just as much as The Drought. That’s what they’re calling it, The Drought. Everyone is thirsty. Everyone is affected.

Damn, sorry to hear that. Are there any ways that students have tried to make up for this loss?

Well, there’s the art museum. And that vintage video store downtown, but that was dry within hours of the email. I don’t know, shit’s getting crazy. I can’t even imagine what this weekend will be like. This means I have to talk to…them.

giphy-8.gif

Them? Who’s them?

You know…them…they wear sweatshirts and sneakers and glasses and put their hair in ponytails…them…the other kids who aren’t dudes…

Wait, so you’re telling me porn was your alternative to female interaction?

Um, yeah. Don’t you know this? We don’t speak to them here. I mean, we do, like in class, but that’s it. C’mon, you knew that. We go to class, we do our work, and we watch porn. That’s what we DO. That’s what men are supposed to do. Without porn, we are nothing.

 

Updates to come. 

 

About smunionrat

i am everywhere and nowhere, a silent creature roaming amongst monsters

Discussion

No comments yet.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: