So, it’s 2016. You’ve like, totally made a comprehensive New Year’s Resolution list that you posted in three of your GroupMe’s, and now you’re ready to get shit done! After spending the last week binge drinking and eating (it doesn’t count because it’s the holidays…and it’s obv still the holidays until you get home from your New Year’s trip), you’re finally ready to buckle down, so you’ve signed up for like three SoulCycle classes and decided to cut out all sugars and carbohydrates. You destroyed all the leftover chocolate Christmas candy by either 1.) Smothering it all in water or 2.) Stuffing your face with half of them and then smothering the rest in water.
Shoved in the corner of your room there’s a plastic Walmart shopping bag that contains what remains of your NYE dress. As the nauseating smell wafts over to you as you check up on your ShopBop shopping cart, you make the executive decision to give it some time to calm down before you subject yourself to the task of assigning its stains to their respective substances; you’re now regretting your choice to wear white (but black is SO 2015!). Remember when you made out with that bartender who looked like Courtney Love as a dude? Nah.
Not to be like, whatever, but everyone knows that not posting a NYE insta is totally social suicide. It’s already been four days, so you’re having a little bit of an existential crisis before you realize that The Bachelor premieres tonight so obv you’ll just post a pic of you and your betches sipping Pinot and donning your new loungewear (***bringing in the new year with my Bachelor betches #yesplease #2016 #yum***). God, Ben is SO much hotter than Chris.
After you each finish your own bottle and Rachel confesses that she did bang Jake at the NYE after-party, shit kind of hits the fan, so you all decide it’s just best to *~chill out~* and smoke a bowl in Kristen’s garage. It’s like, negative twelve degrees so obv everyone grabs their beanies and texting gloves, and attempts to leave the house without having to converse with Kristen’s mom.
“Kristen, where are you guys going? I just washed all those blankets!”
“Mom, chill, we’re just hanging out in the garage, we’ll bring them in when we’re done.”
“What in God’s name are you doing in the garage?”
Sketchy yet standard. You all take your usual places in the smoking circle and recap every second of The Bachelor, comparing each **lady** to weirdos you knew in high school, all the while trying to muffle your coughs as much as possible (if Kristen’s mom walked in, I would literally die). You pass the bowl to your left and wonder if this is what 2016 will be like forever~~~