As the Iowa Caucus has come and gone, the dust has settled, and Americans are becoming increasingly familiar with the candidates in the 2016 Presidential Race. Now, because the favorability of each and every candidate is SO high (maybe the highest we’ve seen in decades!), I took it upon myself to alleviate the processes of your decision making. And trust me, the results are indisputable.
So without further ado, I present to you the definitive ranking of the 2016 Presidential Candidates based on one thing and one thing only…deodorant preference.
1. Marco Rubio— Teen Spirit Deodorant, Pink Crush
Before breakfast yesterday, Marco told me that he wears Teen Spirit by Lady Speed Stick and then I promised to vote for him in the primaries. There is no other winner here.
2. Ben Carson— Old Spice, Original
Ben Carson totally looks like the Old Spice guy and I’m totally not the first one to think of this**. So obviously he wears Old Spice, and obviously he deserves the number 2 ranking. Do I have to say it again? He looks like the dude in the Old Spice commercials!!!!
3. Donald Trump- Success by Donald Trump
You’re kidding right? If you thought for even a second that Donald Trump uses anything other than his own deodorant, then you also probably think that Donald Trump won’t be the next president of the United States (he will be). I’d like to provide you with the following excerpt of the product review on Amazon so that you have a comprehensive image of what we’re dealing with:
“Bought this for my friend Jeremy, he liked it very much but I didn’t recognize him as he turned 8 shades white with red glowing eyes. Side effects were that his hair turned orange like an orangutan but his posture improved as he stood at attention and kept saying “Sieg Heil”. Other then that the smell was nice and musky.” –Amazon Customer (with edits from me)
Seems about right. @DonaldTrump don’t think your deodorant masks your stench too well.
4. Jeb Bush— Degree Men Antiperspirant and Deodorant, Clean
Honestly, idk. Jeb Bush’s name is Jeb, so like, he must be the most boring person in the world. I imagine that he would smell like a piece of plastic, which seems pretty reasonable to me.
5. Bernie Sanders— Tom’s of Maine, Mountain Spring
If this man used any other type of deodorant, he would probably drop dead. I know, I know, But Bernie Sanders is really healthy!!! He took that health test!!! Do you hear yourself? He took a ‘health test’? Kk. Anyways, considering the fact that you could probably find Bernie Sanders sitting in a maple rocking chair, braiding a hemp friendship bracelet and humming “The Boxer” by Simon and Garfunkel, you shouldn’t be that surprised that he orders Tom’s Deodorant by the box.
6. Chris Christie— None (By Choice)
Chris Christie, sorry but you look like you don’t wear deodorant. Although I do actually wish that you had the cardiovascular strength to make it to the deodorant section in CVS (it’s often far from the doors), I can’t imagine it’d ever happen. If I had to guess, I’d think your odor might be similar to that of the tip of a pen cap if it had been used to itch a perspiring student’s upper back.
7. Ted Cruz— Secret Deodorant, InvisibleSolid
He uses Secret Deodorant, so he must be hiding something. This is a big accusation, and I can only hope that the FBI will take it seriously!!!
8. Hillary Clinton— Axe Deodorant, Clix
Oh Hill, when will you ever learn.
Jim Gilmore, John Kasich, Carly Fiorina, Mike Huckabee, Rand Paul, Rick Santorum, sorry but none of you are relevant enough for me to search the web for a deodorant that matches your personality/political beliefs. You aren’t going to win, and the sad fact is that I don’t really know if anyone cares. Hm.
Also, honestly this has been the most research I’ve done on the presidential candidates all year, so @theinternet thanks, you’ve made me an educated human being. And you’ve also made it pretty clear that finding a permanent home abroad might not be such a bad idea.