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archives

smunionrat

i am everywhere and nowhere, a silent creature roaming amongst monsters
smunionrat has written 10 posts for the fauXRient

A Run-On Sentence for a Lady Still on Spring Break

so it’s your fifty-seventh day of spring break and you’re starting to realize that your hair has grown like 5 inches since you were last at school so you decide that you’re going to pamper yourself today like a lady so you go to get a pedicure and you take off your socks and find … Continue reading

A Run-On Sentence for the Winner of the Powerball

so you win and you’re feeling a bit nauseous so you go to the bathroom and grab that pregnancy test and start to pee and you’re careful not to get your fingers wet because, you know, that’s disgusting and you’re a billionaire now so obviously you’re classy and your fingers should always stay dry and … Continue reading

Woman Encounters Homeless Man’s Ballsack, Claims Virginal Conception

Early yesterday morning a middle-aged woman experienced what she calls, “The most important 47 seconds of my life”. Emitting a long moan when asked to relay the events to our team, the woman (who has asked to remain anonymous), smiled, crossed herself, and flickered her eyes. It is no surprise that she acted in such a … Continue reading

10 New Year’s Resolutions I Think You Should Make

As 2016 rolls around, I thought it would be helpful to others for me to make some light NYE Resolution suggestions. Because I know each of these people personally, I can accurately gage the type of resolutions that will be beneficial to him/her in the upcoming year. You know what they say: new year, new … Continue reading

BREAKING: College Bans Porn, Panic Ensues

This Monday, February 8th, the head of The College’s Information Technology Department (IT) sent a campus-wide email to inform the student body of a new network security tool. The email outlined the many benefits of the new system, including its ability to limit the number of cyber attacks on the network, to secure any/all confidential … Continue reading

Five Haikus Because Finals Rock!!!

food brown bag express meals corner cubicle, my home you got adderall? voicemail sleep: new fone who dis? nostrils flare at smell of farts caffeine enemas google *jobs without degree?* ***drink wine to help write essay?*** **how to spell eigth?** (eighth) hygeine forgot to shower yesterday and day before clouds of dry shampoo  goodbye beet salad … Continue reading

Saint West’s FIRST EVER Interview!!

On December 5, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West announced the birth of their new baby boy, Saint West. Kim’s highly publicized pregnancy captured the attention of millions, mostly due to the fact that she suffered from a multitude of complications. But despite a few **bumps** in the road, Saint West made it out just fine, … Continue reading

SECURITY REPORT: 12/3 to 12/6

Thursday, December 3 -An intoxicated student vomited at Yankee Lanes, causing two students to slip and seriously injure themselves. All three students were transported to Mid Coast Hospital. -An electric massager that was reported missing from Maine Hall was recovered and returned to the owner. She was extremely pleased upon its deliverance. -A water bottle was left … Continue reading

BREAKING: Upset Students Cause Riot at Bowdoin College

It was a quiet, chilly afternoon in Brunswick, ME when a riot broke out in Bowdoin College’s student union. A group of upset students formed an alliance after Tuesday’s catastrophic incident, a blow that left almost one-eighth the student body in a state of shock.  Yes, the rumors and stories are true. I regret to … Continue reading

It’s Not Me, Netflix, It’s You

To the red-themed website whom it may concern, Hello, it’s me. If you haven’t noticed by now, I have made the decision that it would be best for us to stop seeing each other for a while, and I feel as though I owe you an explanation. It’s going to be hard, I know, but … Continue reading